


Left

by GoddessofBirth



Series: Broken!verse [3]
Category: Firefly
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Past Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-12
Updated: 2012-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-05 06:18:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/403314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoddessofBirth/pseuds/GoddessofBirth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of those left behind, focusing mainly on Simon and Kaylee.  No actual character deaths in this story, but it obviously references River and Jayne's deaths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Simon had hit the alarm the minute he crossed the threshold into the infirmary and now, as he saw Jayne die, he hoped and prayed that Mal or Zoe would get there first. But it was Kaylee that stuck her head in the door.

 

'Don't know what you were thinkin', but after you're done with Jayne, you're gonna have to wrap the burns you jus' gave me.' She looked over his shoulder at her husband and then pushed past Simon into the room, shaking her head.

 

'He pass out on you?'

 

He held his hand out after her in a futile gesture. 'Kaylee - '

 

'He didn't upchuck on you did he? I swear - ' her voice trailed off as she caught sight of the syringe lying broken on the floor.

 

'What's goin' -? Simon?' She looked up at him and he shook his head, unable to find the words. She turned back to Jayne.

 

'Baby?' She put her head on his chest and then jerked it up again. 'Baby?' she shook him slightly. 'Come on, baby. Wake on up.'

 

Simon put his hand against the door frame to steady himself as he tried to find something, anything to say. He never could find the right words for her. Why would he find them now? His eyes were stinging.

  
He had failed his sister. He had failed Jayne. And now, he was failing Kaylee. He wondered why he'd ever thought he should be a doctor. He couldn't fix anything.

 

Kaylee froze suddenly and rounded on him. 'What did you do? You knew. _What did you do_?' Her voice was stabbing ice.

 

'It..it was a play – Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet. It's...it's about two lovers who, when circumstances keep them apart, they...they commit suicide. Romeo and Juliet. River and Jayne. Same initials.' He held his hands apart helplessly.

 

She looked confused, but she'd started to shake, just slightly. 'But how would he have even known about that? He ain't...wasn't...'

 

Simon swallowed hard. This was his fault. All of this was his fault. 'It was Sihnon, remember? Ri -' he choked on her name. She'd been buried two weeks and he hadn't mourned yet, trying too hard to take care of the living. But now that Jayne -. He took a breath and started again.

 

'River wanted to see the Merchant of Venice, remember? So I bought tickets for she and I. But when it came time, I had the flu. I was too sick. And you...you talked Jayne into taking her in my place. Remember?' River had glowed that night. Kaylee had done her hair and Inara had fixed her face and Zoe had found an appropriate dress from some place that had actually fit her.  _I look like a real girl_ , she'd whispered to Simon.

 

Kaylee slowly nodded, running her hands absently through Jayne's hair. She was trembling harder and something terrible was breaking across her face. Simon eased through the infirmary, never taking his eyes from hers as he approached the drawer of medicine vials. It was open and its contents strewn about from Jayne's plunder. He heard the sound of feet and knew Mal and Zoe had arrived, but his attention never strayed from Kaylee.

 

'The play, it's..it's by the same author. I thought he might understand it better if he read it first, might actually enjoy watching it, so I gave him my copy...it was part of a compilation of his works. Romeo and Juliet was in there too. But I didn't really think he'd read it, much less any of the other ones. But he must have.

 

'It was a little book? Red?'

 

Simon nodded and Kaylee wrapped her arms around herself. He heard whispering from the door and he held one hand out toward it in a stay back gesture.

 

'I seen him with it some. He'd read it sometimes. And sometimes River'd be leaning over his shoulder pointin' at things. I think she was explainin' it to him.'

 

Simon closed his eyes and bowed his head. 'I'm so sorry Kaylee. If I'd known, if I'd ever thought, I'd never- '

 

'How could you?!' she was yelling and he jerked his head up. But he quickly realized she wasn't speaking to him as a loud crack filled the room and he watched in horror as she slapped Jayne's face repeatedly as she screamed.

 

'How could you? I  _understood!_ I put up with the drinkin'! I didn't care 'bout the fightin'! I even accepted you worried more on her planetside than me cause I knew you loved me. We were  _good,_ you  _hun dan_ !'

 

She switched from slapping his face to pummeling his chest with both fists. 'But this? I hope you're in hell you  _ben tiansheng de yidui rou_ , cause I will  _never_ forgive you for this!'

 

She suddenly stiffened and collapsed, Mal catching her around the waist before she hit the ground and swinging her up into his arms. Simon stepped back, holding the empty smoother syringe.

 

Mal stared at him, shell shocked. 'Is he really -?

 

Simon nodded. There really wasn't anything to say. Zoe was still standing at the door, a haunted look in her eye.

 

'Where should I put her?' Mal asked him. 'I can't take her to their...'

 

Simon shook his head. 'No, not there. And not River's room. Not mine. Somewhere nobody's been. Just...just put her in one of the passenger dorms. But not the one Book was in.'

 

'Right. Doc,' Mal waited until he had Simon's full attention. 'I don't wanna lose anymore.'

 

'You won't. I swear.'

 

Mal carried Kaylee from the room and Simon slumped to the floor by the infirmary table. One of Jayne's arms had fallen from the bed and the fingers brushed the floor. There were things he should be doing. Arrangements that needed to be made.

 

Instead, Simon buried his head in his hands and wept.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Kaylee slowly became aware of clean, crisp sheets beneath her cheek She stretched out her hand to the space beside her but the covering was cold, and the whiskey breath she'd been living with for the last two weeks was absent. Somehow Jayne had sobered up enough to get out of bed before her. She heard a slight rustling in the room, though, so he must still be rattling around.

 

'Jayne, baby?' She cracked out sleepily, rolling over and opening her eyes as she spoke.

 

Simon smiled at her apologetically from where he was seated on the floor, closing his book and setting it to the side. 'Just me.'

 

Kaylee realized all at once that this wasn't her room.

 

'Guess it weren't no nightmare then.'

 

'I'm sorry, no.'

 

She moved to brush her hair out of her face. It was then she saw the bandages wrapped across both her palms. Simon must have treated her burns when...

 

'D'you drug me?'

 

He tugged his ear and grimaced. 'I'm sorry. We were worried you would hurt yourself.'

 

She could still feel the imprint of his skin on her fingertips and she covered her mouth with her hand. 'Oh, god. His poor body. I shouldn't of done that; shouldn't of said them things. I didn't mean it -'

 

'You don't have to apologize, Kaylee. You'd just had a terrible shock. People do all kinds of things...'

 

She sniffled and scrubbed at her eyes, the rough fabric of the bandages scraping her skin. 'Still shouldn't of said them things.' She could smell him on the sleeves of her sweater and she bit back a sob. 'He was a good husband, you know. Don't think no other girl could've been treated so well. He just got lost sometimes, s'all.'

 

'You don't have to defend him, either.' Simon chewed on his lower lip and looked past her, like he was debating something. A second later his face cleared and he focused back on her. 'Did you know he came to see me before he proposed to you?'

 

He'd never told her that. 'He did?'

 

Simon half smiled. 'He knew how I felt about you.' Simon's smile turned apologetic before resuming its bland doctor comfort. 'He wanted to be sure I knew you weren't a consolation prize, that you weren't a replacement. It wasn't necessary, though. The whole crew could see how much he adored you.'

 

'Then why'd he do this, Simon?' She heard the plaintive note in her voice and she hated it.

 

Simon spread his hands out, palms up. 'He was drunk, Kaylee. He's never made great decisions then. And, honestly, I think being the one to find her affected him far more than any of us realized. He couldn't change what had happened to her, and he certainly couldn't do anything to fix her mental state. But he took seriously the one thing he _could_ do, and that was protect her body. And I think he felt he'd failed.'

 

He paused.

 

'And, well, he loved her.' He winced and closed his eyes, no doubt thinking he'd managed yet another misstep. Poor Simon, forever to suffer the disconnect between his heart and his mouth.

 

'Kaylee, I'm sor - '

 

She pulled her legs up to her chest and curled her body over them. 'I don't know why you keep actin' like that's some big secret. That happened long 'fore me an' him. We did talk about it when he asked me, you know.'

 

'How did you - ?' It was a question she knew he'd always wanted to ask.

 

She shrugged her shoulders, turning her head to the side, trying to figure out where exactly she was. One of the unused dorm rooms, but she couldn't quite pinpoint which one. It smelled dusty, like it hadn't gotten use in quite some time.

 

'He was a big man. It always made sense that his heart was big enough to hold both of us.' That was true, but more than that, she understood on a personal level. Things with she and Simon hadn't worked out, but a small piece of her would always belong to him, too. Jayne knew that as well. Like all good married couples, they held each other's secrets.

 

'It was just somethin' he couldn't change, even if he wanted to. Kind of like how  _Serenity_ can't never get rid of that hitch in her left rudder, no matter what I do. 

 

'Not that I'm saying she was somethin' that needed fixin,'' she added hurriedly.

 

Simon's eyes tracked his fingers drawing idle patterns over the floor grating. 'I understand what you meant.' 

 

She'd been so involved in taking care of Jayne the last couple of weeks that she'd fallen down on her unofficial job of making sure the rest of the crew was shiny, but something about the complete lack of inflection in Simon's voice made her take a closer look at him.

 

He'd always looked younger than his age; it was one of the reasons Mal and Jayne had had such a hard time taking him seriously when he'd first come on board. Now, though, his face was somehow ancient. There were dark circles under his eyes and deep lines around his mouth.

 

'Simon?' He looked up at her voice. 'You okay?'

 

'Hmm? Me?' He flashed her a brief smile. 'I'm fine. How about you? Do you think you can eat? Inara saved you some dinner.'

 

'You sure you're okay?' Thinking back, other than his white blanch when he'd answered Jayne's harsh screams from the cargo bay, she hadn't seen him mourn at all. Even at the funeral he'd stood ramrod straight and alone, staring blankly at the grave. He'd drifted in and out of of her and Jayne's room in the ensuing weeks, dropping off hydration tablets and smoothers, checking to make sure he was okay, but she'd never, ever seen him cry. In fact, she couldn't recall him talking about River at all.

 

'You haven't...I mean...I ain't seen you doin' anything other than takin' care of crew. I ain't even heard you mention her by name.'

 

He closed his eyes and then just as quickly opened them again. 'I...I can't talk about this right now. Now, do you want to eat in the mess, or would you rather I bring you a plate here. I think everyone will understand if you want a bit more time alone.' He stood up and brushed his hands off, waiting for her response.

 

She sighed. He was Dr. Tam again, through and through. It was this, his inability to let her in, that had ruined them more than anything else. On one of her more lucid days, River had tried to explain that it didn't have anything to do with his feelings for her, it was just a product of the society he was raised in. But Kaylee didn't buy that. What she saw was a man that didn't trust her enough to be honest. And she couldn't spend her life with someone like that.

 

'I think I'll go ahead to the mess. The walk'll do my head good.' It was still a bit fuzzy from whatever Simon'd drugged her with. 'An' then...then I think I'd like to see him.'

 

Simon nodded kindly and opened the door for her. 'Of course.'

 

* * * * * * * *

 

Simon sat at the table. Everyone else had retired for the night, except for Kaylee, who was sitting vigil with Jayne's body. In the morning they would begin the journey back to Haven.

 

He took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair. River's empty chair was across from him and for a moment he couldn't tear his eyes away from it. Her voice ghosted through his brain.

 

_I look like a real girl_ .

 

If only he'd been able to make her understand she always had been real, at least to him.

 

He drew in another long breath and pushed himself to his feet. He couldn't deal with this right now. He knew he needed to Wave their parents, at least give them the courtesy of letting them know about her passing, but he wasn't ready for that yet. He couldn't afford another breakdown like he'd had earlier. There were other, more important priorities. He had to make sure Kaylee was alright. Had to make sure she came through this okay. That was far more vital. He'd promised. He wouldn't fail again.

 

Later, later he could sort through what had happened, could try to make sense of the tangle at the back of his mind.

 

_Don't be a boob_ ,  _Simon_ .

 

He harshly pushed her voice away and started to walk out of the room. Halfway to the door he caught sight of one of the metal cabinets and reversed course until he was standing in front of it. He pulled it open and dug inside the top shelf, moving several boxes of protein to the side until he had exposed Jayne's hidden liquor stash.

 

He stared at the bottle for a very long time, the amber liquid still filling it three fourths full Finally, he reached out one hand and wrapped his fingers firmly around the glass neck, his other hand retrieving a stainless steel tumbler from the cups collected on the counter.


	3. Chapter 3

Malcolm Reynolds footsteps echoed across the cargo bay in the early hours of the morning. He tried his best not to listen for the missing sounds. Right about now, he should be hearing the slight creak of the leather weight bench and Jayne's hissing breath as he cursed his way through another repetition. There should be the low, tinny vibration of River's personal cortex playing some symphony or the other as she glided, spun and leaped around him. Kaylee should be sitting on a crate, alternating between playing with River and ogling her husband, and Simon should be running around with a pair of shoes in his hands, trying fruitlessly to get River to put them on.

Instead, deathly silence filled his ship, because his boat had become death. He shook his head at the morbidly poetic thought and passed over to the shuttles. 

Inara's was locked up tight, gathering even more dust than River's ballet barre. She never used it anymore, but she refused to let it go. He didn't care, he knew where her home really was. She'd held him as he cried last night, just like she'd held him after River's funeral and on countless other occasions he'd been unable to maintain his stony exterior. He'd finally learned he was a stronger man because of it, not a weaker one, and he knew that was what had kept her here all those years ago.

The spare shuttle's door was cracked open and he forced himself to look in. Jayne's body was stretched across the bed, his massive form almost too big for the makeshift cot. His feet hung off the end, and Kaylee lied across his chest, having finally fallen asleep during the long night. Today, Simon would seal his body away, perform the procedures to prepare his body for burial on Haven. Mal had questioned whether Kaylee would want to return him to his home world, but she had sniffed and shook her head. He belonged with the rest of the crew; this was his family now.

Zoe looked up from her where she was rubbing Kaylee's back. She had slipped in sometime during the night, the only person on the ship who understood what it was like to lose a husband.

'She gonna be okay?' Mal whispered.

Zoe gave a terse nod. 'Eventually. She's grievin' something fierce, but she's dealin'. She's got too much life in her not to. It's part of why he loved her.' And part of why Zoe had loved Wash, but Mal didn't say that. Zoe and Jayne had been more alike than either of them ever publicly admitted.

He stepped back and headed down to the mess. The pain in his ship felt like a palpable thing and he was afraid they would all drown in it before they got through. But Simon had promised, and one thing he'd learned over the years was that Simon always kept his word. Simon would see to Kaylee, make sure she came through it okay, and the remaining crew would do whatever he needed to help her.

The kitchen was spotless; Zoe and Inara had taken over the chores yesterday. He took the coffee pot over to the sink, intent on filling it with water and helping get the day started. There was a cup in the sink and when he picked it up to wash it, the smell of rotgut whiskey wafted out. He spun around, almost expecting to see Jayne passed out at the table, because he was the only one who could stomach that le se, but reality stayed distressingly...real, and he felt the gut punch of the ship's loss all over again. 

Buddha, he was starting to sound like River now.

He rinsed the cup out and set it to the side. Zoe'd probably taken a drink to fortify herself against her own demons before seeking out Kaylee last night. Coffee brewing, he wandered out of the room, at loose ends. The ship was on auto-pilot and Inara wouldn't be up and about for another couple of hours. He knew he needed to start thinking about practical matters; he would need a new gunhand, he would need a new co-pilot. But those things could wait until after they had laid Jayne to rest. He felt ill at the thought of anyone sitting in River's chair, or moving around in Jayne' space, but he had a ship to run and a crew to feed.

A noise from the infirmary drew his attention and he stuck his head in just in time to see Simon push the plunger on the syringe in his arm.

'Mornin', Doc.'

Simon looked startled. 'Captain. I didn't expect you up and about so early.'

'Couldn't sleep. Hey, you gettin' sick or somethin'?'

'Oh, no, I'm fine. Just a vitamin pack. I have too many things to do today to be sluggish.' He jumped down from the counter. 'Is Kaylee up yet?'

Mal frowned. For a man whose life's work it was, Simon rarely used his own tools. In fact, Mal could count on one hand the number of times he'd seen him take meds, even the supplement kind, and they had all been when he'd been deathly ill or injured. Well, he supposed it had been a couple of rough days for everyone.

'She's sleepin' now. Zoe's with her.'

'Well, that's good. I'll want to check her fluid levels; she's lost a lot of water in the last twenty four hours and if she doesn't stay hydrated she'll get sick. That's the last thing she needs right now.'

'That's for truth. Alright, then. There's coffee in the mess.'

Simon smiled gratefully and Mal headed toward the bridge to double check their route to Haven. Once he was out of the room Simon pulled the empty stim vial from his pocket and threw it into the trash. The whiskey still roiled around in his stomach, but it had done its job. He'd managed to quell any thoughts of River and finally slept a few hours. He thought it might have been the first real sleep since her death.

The stims hit his system then, and he took a deep breath, rolling his shoulders back. He started out the door.

Simon don't be -

He squeezed his eyes shut and firmly closed the door, locking her whispers away behind him. He hurried the distance to the kitchen and pulled a tray out to begin assembling a meal for Kaylee. She'd eaten last night, but it had been a bird picking at scraps. She needed more nutrition than that.

He pulled open drawers and then, unsatisfied, walked into the pantry. There was nothing here to tempt her to eat, nothing but what they regularly ate on long stints in the black. He sighed and started gathering ingredients. After Haven, he'd get Mal to stop so he could pick up some fresh food: produce, maybe juice, definitely some strawberries. Things he knew she never got enough of.

It would be expensive, but he had some money set aside. Money he'd saved for – . Well, it didn't matter what it had been for; he didn't need it anymore. At least here it could still do some good.

He piled everything up and lifted the tray, heading toward the shuttle. He'd just leave it and slip away. Mal would help him move the body later.


	4. Chapter 4

They buried Jayne a week later, late in the afternoon, Haven's red sun making the air shimmer and bend. He was the fifth monument in the little plot of land Mal had purchased from the Alliance. Any more markers, and they would have to start paying taxes.

 

Mal said some words over the tomb, Inara resting her hand on his back, but Simon didn't hear them. He was standing in front of River's capture, watching her grin and spin in a circle. He knew exactly when it was taken. Thirty minutes before, Kaylee and Jayne had said their vows, with River acting as Kaylee's Maid of Honor and Simon standing by to hand Jayne the rings.

 

River had flowers woven into her hair, a local variety only available on Kaylee's homeworld, and was dressed in red, the color of good fortune. She was spinning, spinning, spinning, and sometime in the next five minutes, Kaylee would send Jayne after her to ask her for a dance.

 

_I look like a real girl_ .

 

She had been a real girl, but Simon doubted he'd ever been a real boy. Just flesh and bones stretched over endless commitment and duty. His throat was dry and he wished he could slip back into the ship and take a sip of the bottle in the cabinet. The original one was long gone, of course, but Jayne had had hide-y holes all over the ship, and Simon knew them all. It was easy enough to replace one brand with another; his stomach didn't even feel the difference any more.

 

He would need to restock the infirmary when they hit Sihnon, maybe after he bought Kaylee's fruit. They needed gauze and smoothers and the standard antibiotics. And stims. He had carefully counted them out; they would last until they made planetfall, as long as he didn't need more than two a day. He didn't like the prick of the needle into his flesh, but it was only temporary. Only until Kaylee was okay; only until he'd taken care of his obligations. Then he could put it all away.

 

He ignored the dead feeling in the back of his neck at the thought.

 

There was a hand on his arm and he jumped and spun around, his already spiked blood making the adrenaline rush even higher.

 

Kaylee stared at him, wide eyed. 'Simon? You comin'? Cap'n says we can stay a little longer if you wanna spend some time with 'er.' She indicated River's marker with a tilt of her head.

 

He realized that while he'd been wool gathering, the makeshift ceremony had ended and everyone but he and Kaylee were back at the ship. He looked for a long minute at River's cheerful spinning before resolutely shaking his head.

 

'No, I'm ready.' Kaylee's face was tear stained and her eyes were swollen. 'How about you? Do you want me to stay with you?'

 

'Naw. That ain't Jayne, just his body. I feel closer to him on the boat than I do here.' She rubbed a thumb over Jayne's capture. Now that Simon thought about it, the picture had been taken at their wedding as well, right after Jayne had said 'I do.' It was one of the few times the hired gun had smiled without some kind of snark in his expression.

 

'Well, then, let's go.' Simon slung a supporting arm around Kaylee's shoulders and steered them toward the mouth of the ship. 'How do you feel about helping me on a shopping trip when we get to Sihnon? I think we could all do with some fresh produce and you have a much better eye than I do.'

 

Her eyes lit up. 'Ohhhh, some real food would be shiny!' Then she dimmed again. 'But Mal ain't gonna approve that kind of money. Specially since he's gotta, you know...' she looked down at her hands, '...negotiate salary for new crew an' all.'

 

'Hey!' he nudged her arm. 'You let me worry about that. We will have fresh food. I promise.'

 

They had reached the dorm room she was still sleeping in and she had her hand on the door. 'Alright then,' she said doubtfully, but he was pleased to see some of the light in her eyes return. She slid the door open before turning to him. 'You gonna see Cassandra when we get there?'

 

He shook his head and tugged on his lobe. 'I don't think we'll be there long enough.'

 

'Aw, I bet cap'n will be willin' to stay a bit, 'specially since he's lookin' to hire. An' I bet she'd be awful disappointed if she knew we'd been planetside an' you didn't call.'

 

'It's fine, Kaylee, really. I'm not her only client, and believe it or not, I can actually live without sex rather well.'

 

Kaylee fiddled with a button on her dress, the only non-casual outfit she owned. 'You know, Simon, Companions do more than just sexin'. They're pretty good for, you know, talkin', comfortin', that sort of thing.'

 

'Kaylee,' he said softly, even though he really wanted to scream at her. 'I told you I was fine. And I am. You know as well as me how unstable she was. It really wasn't that much of a surprise.'

 

She whirled on him, her face angry. ' _Niou se_ ! Don't you pretend like it was nothin'! Don't you act like you just expected it to happen, 'cause I know damn well you didn't. You wouldn't have bothered gettin' her out at all if you thought you couldn't save her.'

 

She softened her next words. 'Simon, you ain't okay. You look like you ain't slept, and last couple of days I've seen you shakin' real bad when you think nobody ain't lookin'. It ain't natural to bottle it all up. River wouldn't have wanted that.'

 

He winced at the name and then he gave Kaylee a tight smile and inclined his head slightly. 'Thank you for agreeing to help me with the shopping. If we can just make it through the next two weeks of protein mush, we'll be set. Also, I'd like you to come by the infirmary later so we can do a check up. Okay?'

 

She nodded tiredly. 'Sure, Simon. Jus'...jus' think on it, okay?'

 

'Of course.' He gave her elbow a small squeeze and then disappeared down the corridor.

 

* * * * * * *

 

Over the next week and a half, Kaylee began to slowly go through and pack up Jayne's things to ship to his family. She still couldn't bring herself to sleep in their bed without falling into tears, but she thought she might be getting closer.

 

She sat cross legged on the floor and pulled open the chest he kept at the foot of the bed. It was a disorganized mess of things he had haphazardly collected over the thirteen or so years he had been on the ship. She shook her head, amused. No matter how hard she'd tried, she hadn't managed to get him to understand the benefits of organization.

 

Well, she wouldn't have had him any other way.

 

She separated the things into two piles, one, a stack of items she would send to his family, the other, a much smaller one of things she would keep. Random captures, some articles on new weaponry, the scrapbook of his bounty posters, these were all things that were her Jayne, and she took a minute to flip through the scrapbook, running her fingers over his face. She liked to see the changes in him over the years, from the dirty and hard as steel  _hun dan_ he'd been before Mal'd hired him on, to the still dirty, but almost lost look on his face after Miranda, to the graying temples and fierce but happy expression of the most recent bulletin, from a year ago.

 

_Serenity_ had been good home for all of them.

 

At the bottom of the chest she found a smaller box, worn and old. She knew what it was before she opened it, even though she'd never looked inside. Jayne wouldn't have minded if she had, but it was his personal place, just like that little spot in his head, and it wasn't somewhere she had felt the need to intrude on.

 

She ran her thumbs across the lid before flipping it up. On the top was a little red book, gold embossing reading 'The Collected Works of Shakespeare.' She set it to the side for Simon. Underneath that were three captures. Two from the security footage from the Maidenhead; one of River knifing a random drunk, the other of her kicking Jayne in the back of the head.

 

Kaylee grinned and shook her head. So Jayne. There was one more photo, one of River sitting on the wing of the ship, staring off into nothing, her hair blowing out behind her. Kaylee stacked the captures back together and set them in her lap. She would keep those; River was the closest thing to a sister she had ever had.

 

Most of the other items she didn't understand the significance of. There was a bandage, a length of string, a ticket stub to some movie or the other, a few shell casings, and other odds and ends. She shut them back in the box and stood. She vacillated between the two piles but finally set it by itself on the bed. She grabbed the book and headed out to find Simon.

 

She was passing by the mess when she heard Mal talking to Zoe. Her brow furrowed and she halted just outside the door, where they couldn't see her.

 

'You been hittin' the whiskey pretty hard the last bit ain't you? Is there somethin' we need to be talkin' on?'

 

'Sir?' Zoe sounded confused.

 

'Ain't nothin' you gotta hide, you know. You're a woman grown and Buddha knows you can drink me under the table, Zo'; I'm just wonderin' if all this business is stirrin' up some ghosts for you.'

 

'Mal, I have no idea what you're goin' on about, so why don't you explain it real quick before I get aggravated enough to tell Inara what you got her for her birthday.

 

'Hey, now! There is no call for threats of that nature, woman. I just keep havin' to clean up your shot glass every mornin' and I'm startin' to wonder why you're drinkin' in the middle of the night.'

 

'Sir, are you sure you haven't been breathin' too much of Inara's incense? If I want to drink, I'll do it in the open, and if I did, it would be scotch, not whiskey. You know that  _go se_ gives me hangovers from hell.'

 

Kaylee didn't hear any more of the conversation, the wheels in her brain too busy spinning. She'd lived with a drinker long enough that she should know the signs. Simon had been getting the shakes...Simon had been wandering the ship at odd hours...Simon had been  _fine_ . Her feet walked her to the infirmary, but for once he wasn't there. She remembered something Jayne had told her once, late one night when he'd been entertaining her with stories about his time before  _Serenity._ Something about a crew member, a war vet, who'd used uppers and downers to keep some measure of control.

 

She glanced back out to the cargo bay, making sure she was really alone, before starting to rummage through the med supplies. When she got to the stims box, she stopped. There were hardly any left. Well, that didn't necessarily mean anything; she wasn't sure how often Simon restocked the infirmary. Maybe it was old.

 

She dropped to her knees and pulled the trash can out from underneath the cabinet. The rattling chink of glass gave her the answer before she'd even looked inside, but when she did, she saw over two dozen empty stim vials interspersed with syringes and tissues.

 

_Ni tama de tianxia souyou de ren duo gaisi_ . So Simon was  _fine_ was he? She clutched the stim box to her chest and stalked toward the airlock. She'd see about that


	5. Chapter 5

Simon rubbed a tired hand over his face as he stepped out of his room into the corridor. It had been a long day. He'd finally completed the paperwork for both Jayne's and River's death certificates and burned the necessary chip; everything was now ready to be registered when they hit Persephone. As soon as the data hit the feeds, his parents would be notified, so he'd spent the rest of the evening writing out a Wave for them, because as much as he despised them, they would need to hear it from him first.

 

He was utterly exhausted, his body screaming out at him for sleep, but every time he closed his eyes he saw what was left of River's body, bits and pieces of bone and brain matter strewn across the cargo bay. And if it wasn't her, it was Jayne, his body completely drained of all the vitality it had held in life, strangely fragile for a man of his size.

 

The halls were darker than normal at this hour; Kaylee had dimmed all the lighting to conserve energy as they floated in on fumes the last few days to Persephone. Mal never let things get that low these days, but in all the upheaval of the previous month, he couldn't really be blamed for the oversight. Simon fumbled a hand against the wall, knowing his way more by long familiarity and instinct than by the cold metal curved against his skin.

 

The kitchen was a lighthouse across the cargo bay, it and the engine room the only places kept at full brightness during the night. The engine, because you never knew when something would go and need immediate attention; the kitchen because, well, just because. He didn't really care about the reason, was just glad he didn't have stumble around with a flashlight.

 

He opened the cabinet and reached in, then frowned when he came up empty. He started moving cups and tumblers aside when Kaylee's voice startled him. He spun around to see her standing at the door, her arms crossed over her chest.

 

'Don't bother, it ain't there.'

 

He blinked. 'Excuse me?'

 

'It ain't there. I threw it out.'

 

When he made to move she spoke again. 'An' don't waste your time lookin' for the other ones. You ain't the only one knew Jayne's hidey holes. They're all gone.'

 

'But...' he was having a hard time comprehending her words. 'Where...?'

 

'I airlocked 'em all.' Then she gave him a hard look. 'Along with yer stims.'

 

He sucked in a breath and felt his mind go blank. 'Why?' he managed to grit out.

 

''Cause it ain't no good, Simon. Ain't healthy.'

 

The blankness was leaching away, along with the thin film of numbness he'd wrapped himself in since River's death. Taking its place was a cold, angry fury that was suddenly licking across his bones like the worst stim fire he'd ever experienced, fueled by a feeling of betrayal deeper than anything he'd felt since his parents had refused to help River.

 

He said, very carefully, 'You didn't seem to have a problem with your husband doing it.'

 

'Yeah,' she shot back, 'an' look where that got me. Ain't makin' that mistake twice.'

 

He spoke like he hadn't heard her, the volume of his voice steadily rising. 'What? It was good enough for Jayne, but not good enough for me? Not good enough for Simple Simon?' He spat out the nickname River and she had used to tease him with, and with those words the dam broke, and all he could see was a red haze of anger.

 

'Or was that the problem, Kaylee? Maybe if I'd drank more? Whore'd a little more? Maybe shot a person or two? Maybe then would I have been good enough for you?'

 

His sudden outburst took her momentarily back, but she quickly recovered. 'You know that had nothin' to do with it. I couldn't be with somebody didn't trust me. Least Jayne was honest. Least he didn't hide how he felt.'

 

Ohhh...' he drew out in mocking comprehension. 'That's right. I'm the emotional cripple of the ship. How could I have possibly forgotten. What?' he laughed bitterly at the look on her face. 'It's a small ship, Kaylee. Did you think I _wouldn't_ hear?' His hand was still in the cabinet, and his fingers closed around a glass, one of the few ones on the ship, kept for special occasions.

 

'You want me to be honest, Kaylee? You want some emotion?' He jerked the glass from the cabinet and flung it across the room. It shattered with a satisfying explosion as it hit the opposite wall. 'Was that enough?' He grabbed another one, let it fly on a similar trajectory. The shrapnel from its impact showered the room and Kaylee ducked as several slivers hurled her way.

 

Another glass, and then another. 'How about now?' One more. 'Or now?' He reached back into the cabinet, but he'd hit the end of the supply. His chest was rising and falling rapidly as he sucked in ragged breaths and he slowly advanced on her.

 

'You want truth? How about this? We're fools, all of us. Jayne was a fool for wasting a tenth of his energy on a lunatic child whose brain was such a rot land that she couldn't tell up from down, especially when he had you. And you were a fool for standing by and letting him. And me? Well, I'm the biggest fool of us all. Fool of this ship, fool of lost causes, and most of all, a goddamn fool for still caring what happens to  _you_ .'

 

He was inches from her now, and suddenly his rage deserted him, left him slumped and drained. 'But I'm done. No more. You all were right, I never belonged on this ship anyway.'

 

Kaylee's eyes were wide and her face was white. She opened her mouth, but he forestalled whatever she'd been about to say. 'Get out of my way, Kaylee. Move, or I  _will_ move you.'

 

She stepped quickly out of the doorway and he shrugged past her. Ignoring the sound of Mal's feet pounding down the stairs, he rapidly crossed the cargo bay and disappeared into the passengers' wing.

 

Mal took a step into the kitchen and then drew back as the sound of glass crackled underneath his hastily thrown on boots. Bits and pieces of  _Serenity_ ' _s_ entire stock of glassware littered the entire floor, and Kaylee stood, her back pressed against the door frame, her face aghast.

 

'Are you okay?' That seemed the most important question.

 

She nodded slowly. 'Yeah. I'm fine.'

 

That established, he moved on to the next most pressing inquiry. 'What the  _gorram_ hell just happened here? And how was Simon involved?'

 

'Grab a broom and dustpan, and maybe I'll tell you.'

 

* * * * * *

 

Mal stayed and helped Kaylee clean up the mess, and Kaylee quietly filled him in on what Simon had been doing. The Mal of years ago would have been furious to have that kind of deception on his boat, but this Mal, wiser and a bit more worn with time, just wanted to know how they could fix it. Well, that, and  _But why did it have to be over the good dishes?_

 

Kaylee didn't have any answers for him, but, as upsetting as it was, she somehow thought that what had happened earlier might not have been a bad thing. When the kitchen was returned to rights, and Kaylee had assured Mal she would be fine, he slipped back off to bed, to where Inara was waiting for him.

 

Kaylee stretched her arms over her head and then rubbed at the soreness in the small of her back. Her eyes were dry and aching by the time she headed to her temporary room. When she got to her door, she paused, some small sound calling her attention. She tilted her head to the side and concentrated, and there it was again.

 

She slowly followed it down the hallway as it grew louder. She realized it was coming from River's room and she stopped just outside the door. It was a terrible sound, a cross between the sound of a child wailing and a deeply wounded animal. She silently slid the door open.

 

Simon was crouched in a ball in the corner of the room, clutching what she recognized as River's jacks bag to his chest. He was rocking back and forth, deep, ragged sobs wracking his body.

 

'Simon?'

 

His head jerked up and he took a gulping breath and hastily wiped his eyes. 'Oh, Kaylee. I...I'm sorry. Did you need something? Hold on a second, let me...' He looked around blankly and started to push himself to his feet.

 

She hurriedly crossed the few steps to him and dropped down beside him, using a hand on his shoulder to hold him down. His brow creased as he looked at her. 'I...earlier...I'm so sorry, Kaylee. I didn't mean...I shouldn't have...'

 

'Simon.  _Stop_ ,' she commanded him. 'It's okay.'

 

'No, just...just give me a minute.' He seemed utterly lost as to what he was supposed to do and she could see he was struggling to grab hold of some kind of control.

 

'No, Simon, nothin' needs to be done, nothin' has to be fixed. Simon, let me help you. You've always taken care of us; all of us. Please, just this once, let me help you.'

 

For one second he stayed motionless, and Kaylee held herself still, afraid to spook him. Then all at once he collapsed and buried his face in her stomach. She wrapped her arms around his body as it violently shook and she felt silent tears soak through the fabric of her coveralls.


	6. Chapter 6

 

Eventually she had been able to move him to the bed, and they lay there now, Kaylee's feet to Simon's head, and vice versa. He was on his back, staring at the ceiling while toying with the jacks bag, and she was curled on her side, one hand resting on the bare sole of his foot.

 

When his harsh sobs had finally tapered off, he'd begun talking, filling the silence with stories about River. River as a child, River as an adult. River sick, River well. River the genius, River the broken girl. Kaylee hadn't realized how many things she'd never known about her friend, how many secret things Simon had treasured up. She'd always known the paramount love he'd had for his sister, but in some ways she was just starting to understand it.

 

Finally, the words, too, had run out and it had been a good hour since either of them had said anything. Kaylee knew the night cycle would be ending soon and they should probably both get some sleep. There was one more question that had bothered her for weeks, though, and she tentatively put it out into the empty air.

 

'Simon?'

 

He didn't look away from his study of the ceiling tiles. 'Hmm?'

 

'Why do ya think she did it? I mean, she'd been doin' real good those few days before.'

 

He propped himself up on one elbow and turned a little so that he could see her face. 'Oh, she was. I have no doubt she was the sanest she'd ever been when she decided to pull the trigger.'

 

'But _why_?'

 

Simon gave a small, sad, half smile. Kaylee had always been so bright, even when things had been at their worst for the crew, that he didn't think she could imagine being at a point that death seemed a better option than living. It was part of the reason she'd been so furious at Jayne. Simon, on the other hand, had never been angry with River.

 

'You'd have to understand what it was like for her; on the good days being just sane enough to understand what she'd lost. To see all that she could never have, to be able to want what other people could freely enjoy. It was excruciating for her on those days. I think she almost welcomed the return of the madness, because then she could at least be lost in her own mind, could tune reality completely out. I think it finally just became too much.'

 

'Did she love him?'

 

He guessed he should have expected the question. He sighed and let his head flop back down onto the mattress.

 

'I don't know. She never said, and I never had the heart to ask. Obviously there was a bond there, we all saw that, but whether it was platonic or familial or romantic is anybodies guess.'

 

Kaylee absentmindedly fiddled with the hem of his trousers. 'I sometimes wonder, you know, how things mighta been diff'rent if she wasn't so sick.'

 

It was a useless train of thought, Simon knew that, but he wouldn't say it. After all, he never stopped speculating if he could have saved River if only he'd been a better doctor, a better brother, had maybe figured her clues out faster.

 

Instead he awkwardly patted the calf by his head and counted ceiling tiles.

 

'You should go to bed, Kaylee. Mal will be furious if both of us are out of commission tomorrow, or rather, today.'

 

'Are you - ?'

 

'I'm fine, Kaylee.' He felt her tense and quickly amended, moving until he was sitting up, his knees to his chin, arms tucked around his legs. 'Not fine. But I'm okay. I'll be okay.' He gave a rueful smile and tugged on his ear.

 

'Thank you. For earlier. For realizing something was wrong. I just wanted to....I thought that if I could....I've never been very good at dealing with my own emotions. You obviously know that. Rationally, I knew it had to happen, but I also knew it wouldn't be pretty. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. But there was always something else that needed to be done, something more pressing.'

 

He picked at the balls of lint on the blanket. 'Obviously I was making excuses. Who knew I was the one who needed looking after?'

 

Kaylee gave him a light smack on the shoulder. 'That's what friends are for, idiot.' Then she sobered. 'You ain't really gonna leave  _Serenity_ are you?'

 

He sighed again. 'I don't know. I...I can't really focus on it now. I need to talk to my parents and I have to do it before my body starts detoxing. I have maybe twenty four hours before it kicks in. I can't really trust my decisions until after that.'

 

He focused on her and said, his voice serious. 'Kaylee, I don't want you around me for the next little while. I've seen addicts come down, and it's not pretty. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I have.'

 

She rolled her eyes. 'You didn't hurt me. We had a fight s'all. It's what family does. An' one month don't make you a junkie.'

 

His smile was pained. 'The particular combination I used does. It wasn't just the stims after a while. My body needed more to keep going with the alcohol. It's going to be ugly. I'll talk to Mal in the morning; for all I know, he won't  _want_ me on the ship anymore. And a part of me thinks that will be a good thing.'

 

Kaylee narrowed her eyes. 'First off, buddy, nobody on  _Serenity_ is gonna want you gone or judge you. You keep forgettin' we ain't just crew here. An' I talked to the Cap'n. He's just as worried 'bout you as me. Two, you leavin' would just be the same runnin' yer doin' now. So, you oughta think on that one real hard. And three - ' She fixed him with a hard stare. ' - if you think I'm gonna let you deal with this by yourself, you're as dumb as you're pretty.' She winked, 'Bein' married to Jayne gave me plenty of practice in that whole 'detox' thing you keep talkin' on.'

 

She didn't really understand what it would be like, he knew that, but she was just as stubborn as River, and he dropped the subject for the time being.

 

'How about you, Kaylee? How are you doing? Really?'

 

She rolled up to mimic his posture and shrugged. 'Okay, I think. I mean, I'm not great or nothin'; still can't stand to sleep in our room. But I finished goin' through his stuff, sorted out what to send his ma. Mattie's gonna meet us on Sihnon to pick it up. It was good, lookin' at it all. Reminded me how much good we had. I ain't nearly so mad at him now.'

 

Simon reached out and ruffled her hair, like he'd often done with his sister. 'You two were great together; don't ever doubt that. Thank goodness you wised up before you got stuck with me.'

 

'We were all diff'rent, then. Think we all managed to grow up a bit together, don't you?'

 

All except for River. Perpetually forced to stay frozen, dancing like a porcelain ballerina on a solitary stand. He felt tears prick at his eyes again.

 

'Simon?' Kaylee's face was concerned.

 

He swallowed hard. 'Just thinking about Ri...River.' He still stumbled over her name. 'I miss her.'

 

'Me, too.'

 

'I even miss your Neanderthal husband.'

 

She laughed. 'Good thing he ain't around to hear it.'

 

'Do you want to talk about it? Him? You know I'm a good listener, and it will be awhile before I'm not a raving lunatic again.'

 

She considered. She'd talked some with Zoe, but there were some things she hadn't felt comfortable sharing with her, because Zoe had never had to share any part of Wash. Wash would have been better, he'd dealt with Zoe's split loyalties for years, but she'd yet to learn how to commune with the dead. There were things Zoe would never understand, like the one time Jayne had called out River's name when they'd been in bed, without even realizing it, and why Kaylee had never told him. She couldn't have comprehended half of the decisions Kaylee and Jayne had made, because Zoe had never admitted to the small part of her own heart that belonged to her eternal Sergeant and Captain.

 

But Simon knew; Simon understood, because he'd been the one that had had to tell Jayne, years and years ago, that the love he felt for a fractured girl was impossible, something he'd never be able to act on. Simon had been there to watch Jayne make the decision to continue living his life, even as Simon's own love life had fallen apart. He'd been the one to help Kaylee pick up the pieces on Jayne's bad days, days which always seemed to coincide with River's worst fits.

 

If there was anyone who could understand the unedited truth, it would be Simon. And so, she nodded hesitantly, and settling her back against the wall, she began to talk.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

Mal was worried. After the happenings of the previous night, he didn't like the fact that he couldn't find either his mechanic or his doctor. He'd gotten up early in the morning, and with Inara's help, cleared all the narcotics from the infirmary and locked them up in the spare shuttle. Then he'd waited, tensed, for Simon to show up, prepared to go into battle to save yet another member of his crew. But there'd been no quick footsteps, no predictable under the breath whistling that would signal his arrival.

 

After awhile, he'd left Zoe at the door and gone looking for Kaylee. But she was MIA, too. She should have been in the kitchen or the engine room by now, but both of those rooms were empty. He actually started to feel real fear as he walked down the hall of the passenger dorms. Had something happened during the night that he hadn't been aware of?

 

He was praying to a god he no longer believed in when he unceremoniously pushed the door to Kaylee's temporary room open. When it, too, was empty, he cursed and kicked the door before heading toward Simon's room. He paused when he heard light snoring, and he was a bit more careful this time in peering in.

 

Simon and Kaylee were both asleep, each one curled up on opposite ends of the bed, their feet just barely touching. Kaylee was the one snoring; Simon was as proper in sleep as he was awake, but both of their faces showed the residual redness and puffiness of hours spent crying. Mal breathed a sigh of relief and backed out.

 

They might not be perfect, but his family would be okay.


	7. Chapter 7

Simon's spine was ramrod stiff and straight as he faced the Cortex screen. Kaylee could see the tension radiating across his body, and where his fingers were clasped behind his back, his knuckles were white. There was a whine and a click, and then a man appeared on the screen. He took one look at Simon and his face and tone turned dismissive.

 

'May I help you, Sir?' The _sir_ was clearly an insult, and Kaylee bristled from her position seated just outside of the viewing field. Simon had tried to get her to stay off the bridge, but she had put her foot down – loudly.

 

They had woken up in the late hours of morning, rumpled and not as awkward as she would have expected. Simon had searched out Mal and spent an hour closeted with him in the infirmary. When they had finally emerged, Mal had been grim faced, and Simon had showered and disappeared into his room. Half an hour later he had reappeared, dressed in clothes Kaylee hadn't seen him wear in years. His collar was starched, his vest was buttoned, and his shoes were shined. His hair was ruthlessly tamed back in a way that made her want to scrub her hands through it to put it back to rights.

 

It was the strangest thing to her that he would get more uncomfortable to see family, instead of less.

 

Inara had made him a strong cup of tea, Zoe standing silently in the background. He'd smiled his thanks, but Kaylee thought she saw slight tremors starting in his hands and his face had lost the color it had had that morning. He'd looked at his pocket watch and then gulped the tea down before hurrying to the wave machine, Kaylee on his heels.

 

'I need to speak with Gabriel Tam.'

 

The man's eyebrows rose at Simon's request, and he blew out an amused breath. 'Master Tam is in a very important business meeting; I'm afraid he simply cannot be interrupted. Now, if you'll - ' the man was already reaching to switch the Wave off, but before he touched the button, Simon's face went arrogant and cold, and he seemed to have grown another foot. He looked down his nose, and when he spoke, he was suddenly the Simon that had first stepped on _Serenity_ , Core born and bred to the hilt.

 

'You will go and find Master Tam, now.' His voice made it clear he simply expected to be obeyed. 'Tell him it's his son.'

 

The man's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open for a solid two seconds before he regained his austerity. He nodded curtly. 'Certainly, Sir.' This sir carried the weight of Simon's birth rank, and the man turned and swiftly disappeared.

 

In the ten minutes the screen stood silent and empty, Simon retained his rigid, face forward stance. Kaylee shifted around in her seat, but he didn't look toward the rustle she made. She thought she saw a light sheen of sweat coating his forehead.

 

Finally, just when Kaylee was about to say something to break the silence, a man appeared on screen. She could tell immediately that this must be the older Tam; Simon shared his nose and chin and hair color, although the older Tam's was streaked with gray. But even back when she'd first met him, Simon had never looked so haughty and entitled.

 

'Simon,' Gabriel stated flatly.

 

'Father.' Simon's voice was equally expressionless.

 

'Where have you been?' Kaylee wrinkled her nose. He acted like Simon had just stepped out last week to go buy a paper and hadn't come home.

 

'Oh, you know,' Simon said breezily, waving his hand in front of himself. 'Here and there, out and about, doing crime, sewing gun shot wounds, _keeping my sister out of Alliance hands_.' He sneered the last bit out, clearly expecting some type of reaction. Kaylee was surprised when the man just raised his eyebrows before speaking.

 

'And here we always pegged River as the over dramatic one. Yes, we've heard about your 'exploits.' It's nice to see how little the Tam name means to you.'

 

Kaylee's hands had balled into fists, but Simon seemed completely unaffected as his father continued.

 

'So what do you need, Simon? Money? Are you in trouble? Don't expect us to come bail you out; we warned you.'

 

Simon half smirked, but Kaylee saw his hand drift toward his earlobe before he caught himself and anchored it back to his side. 'If I've learned anything in the last twelve years, Father, it's that we can't expect you to lift a finger for us. Don't worry, we don't need anything you have to offer.'

 

'Then why are you contacting us?'

 

The coldness of the exchange was utterly perplexing to Kaylee. Simon's father hadn't seen him in years, and he hadn't even bothered to ask how he was. Who _were_ these people?

 

Simon opened his mouth to answer, but before he spoke, Gabriel's eyes narrowed and he examined the area around his son.

 

'Where _is_ River?'

 

Simon blinked and then said bluntly, 'She's dead.'

 

For the first time a flicker of emotion passed over the man's face. 'What?'

 

'She's. Dead.' Simon enunciated each word carefully, almost cruelly. ' _That's_ why I'm contacting you. I thought you might would have a passing interest in the news.'

 

'What happened?' The skin around Gabriel's eyebrows had turned red, just as Kaylee had seen River's do countless times when she was upset.

 

Simon swallowed before answering, and his voice grew less sure. 'She killed herself.'

 

There was a long moment of silence before the elder Tam spoke again, his words a knife slicing through all the long distance of space between the two men. 'Well, then. I guess you really weren't capable of taking care of her, were you?'

 

Simon stumbled back a step before righting himself as his father continued the verbal onslaught. 'You thought you were so much better than us, that we were so blind to her needs. And yet all you managed to do was drag her around with space pirates for years, ruin her prospects and her future, and then let her die on your watch. At least if you'd left her where she was she'd still be alive.'

 

'It wasn't - ' Simon attempted, but Gabriel was relentless.

 

'You could have been something, been _someone,_ but you threw it away on a flight of fancy and destroyed your sister in the process. I was right to disown you; you weren't worthy of the Tam name.'

 

Kaylee had had enough. Before Simon could stop her she had vaulted from her chair and stepped in front of the screen.

 

' _Bi ni chou zui!'_ she hissed. ' _Ben tiansheng de yidui rou_! Used to think all this distance between you an' them was jus' some kind of misunderstandin'. Thought maybe Simon'd blown you outta proportion, 'cause no parent could be like that 'bout his kids. But he didn't, did he? You really ain't nothin' more than a worthless piece of _go se_. You got no clue the things he's done, what he sacrificed for her. Only reason she had any sorta life, any kind of happiness after what you let them people do to her was 'cause of him. She'd a been dead long time ago if he'd trusted her to you.'

 

She spat out another long stream of mandarin phrasing, causing Gabriel's face to go white before she left her final parting shot. 'Yer the one ain't worthy to call him yer son. Don't you worry on him no more. He's got real family here.' With that she terminated the Wave.

 

When she looked back at Simon, she saw him watching her with a bemused expression as he tugged relentlessly on his ear.

 

'Well,' he deadpanned, 'I don't suppose he'll be calling back anytime soon.'

 

She shook her head. 'I'm sorry, Simon. Never really understood what you two meant 'bout him. Ain't never seen nobody so cold, s'like he didn't care she's dead at all.'

 

He looked at her strangely. 'Oh, he was devastated. Terribly.'

 

She snorted. 'Could've fooled me. Didn't seem like he was int'rested in anythin' else than scrapin' you across the coals.'

 

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, and she noticed his eyes were red rimmed. 'I know you never believed me, Kaylee, but men on Osiris, and to some extent, the women as well, are raised with the knowledge that only certain sets of emotion are appropriate to be displayed in public, even to your own family. Attacking me was the only acceptable way he knows to express his grief.

 

'It's one of the most important reasons I never took River back, even after our warrants were canceled. She could never have survived in that climate; it would have destroyed her. This ship, this crew was where she was happiest. It was where she belonged.'

 

'What about you? Ain't this where you belong, too?'

 

He looked like he was about to answer her when all of a sudden he heaved and lunged toward the waste basket. He barely made it before he vomited. He dropped to his knees as the action repeated. When he was done, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and turned his head to face her. The earlier sheen had turned to full blown sweat.

 

'Please go get Mal, Kaylee.'

 

'Simon? Are you - ' Her question was drowned out by another round of retching and when he spoke again, it was through clenched teeth.

 

'Mal, Kaylee. _Please_. I need him to help me back to my room.' When she started to protest, he drew her name out warningly. ' _Kaylee_! Just do it!'

 

She gave a short nod and darted from the room. When she returned - Mal in tow - they found Simon sitting propped against the wall, tremors slipping up and down his body. His smile was pained.

 

'Captain, if you would...'

 

Without further urging, Mal looped his arm around Simon's waist and pulled him to his feet. The younger man leaned heavily on him as he helped him navigate the catwalk and stairs, Kaylee trailing behind him. When they reached his dorm room, Mal reached a hand around and slid the door open, half walking, half dragging Simon into the room. When they reached the bed, Simon collapsed heavily.

 

He nodded to Mal. 'Thank you.' His eyes darted to Kaylee, at the door, and then back to the Captain. 'Remember what I asked. Please.'

 

'S'only been a few hours, Doc. I'm not quite that old yet. I'll do it.'

 

'Thank you,' he breathed out, before curling up into a painful ball on the mattress, pulling the covers up over his shaking body.

 

Mal set the trashcan by the bed before walking out and shutting the door. When he turned back into the hall, Kaylee was staring at the door, biting her lip.

 

'Cap'n...'

 

He shook his head. 'Not this time, li'l Kaylee, and that's an order. You can't help here.' He held her stare until she reluctantly nodded and backed away from the door, heading to the mess to find comfort in Inara and Zoe.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

A subtle beeping woke Mal from a deep sleep, his arm secured around Inara's waist. He blinked sleepily at the clock. 22:30 hours. What the - ?

 

Awareness trickled in, and then all at once he was wide awake as the significance of the sound hit him. Someone had accessed what was supposed to be a securely locked infirmary. He vaulted out of bed and hastily pulled on his sleep pants before hurrying down the stairs, knocking loudly at Zoe's door as he passed by. Thirty seconds later he was at the infirmary.

 

'Doc,' he said cautiously, 'how'd you get in here?'

 

Simon looked up from where he was riffling through a drawer. His eyes were glassy and unfocused and he waved his hand dismissively. 'You're very predictable, Captain. Next time you should pick something a little more complex than the date of Serenity Valley.'

 

Mal sensed Zoe coming up behind. 'What exactly are you doin', Simon?' He had moved from the drawer, leaving it gaping open, and was now pulling various bottles from a cabinet.

 

'Hmm?' Simon didn't look away from his task. 'Just looking for something to help me sleep. Did you know it's _freezing_ in the passenger dorms? And don't you think it's hilarious that I've been on this ship for twelve years and I'm still in the _passenger_ rooms?' He laughed, but Mal thought it sounded less like amusement and more like slight desperation. He edged his way into the room, trying very hard not to think of the last confrontation that had taken place here. He looked over his shoulder to make sure Zoe was with him.

 

'I seem to remember a part of our conversation this afternoon where you said no drugs at all. You recall that, Simon?'

 

Simon had located what he was looking for and palmed the bottle before facing Mal. 'Don't be silly, Captain. I'm the one with the medical training; I think I know what's okay for me to take. This is nothing you need to worry about.'

 

Mal inched closer. 'No...no...I'm pretty sure your words were 'nothing from the infirmary at all.'' Mal could see he was still shaking - fine, almost invisible tremors - and his shirt was soaked with sweat.

 

At Mal's words, Simon's nostrils flared and his voice was hard. 'I didn't mean _this._ '

 

Mal's answer was soft. 'You told me you'd say that. Remember? Simon...'

 

'Captain, my skin is crawling, and I need _TO SLEEP_!' His last words were an angry, shouting snarl, and Mal took a deep breath before motioning Zoe forward.

 

'I know you do. But your gonna have to do it on your own.' He saw Simon tense, his fingers clenched around the bottle. 'Doc...Simon, you don't wanna do this. We talked about how it was gonna go down. Think.' He wasn't even sure Simon was seeing him anymore. 'I don't wanna have to do this, Simon, but I will if I have to. Made you a promise, and I intend on keepin' it.'

 

Simon's eyes darted around the room. Mal wasn't sure if he was looking for an escape or some kind of answer, but he was prepared for either option. Simon's free hand folded into a fist and Mal slid his own hand behind his back and closed his fingers around the baton Zoe noiselessly placed into his palm.

 

Then, Simon closed his eyes, blew out a deep breath and carefully relaxed both hands, placing the bottle back on the counter. When he opened his eyes again, they were slightly more focused.

 

'You're right, Captain. Thank you. I think I'll go back to my room now.' He slipped past both Mal and Zoe and walked out the door. Mal turned and followed him, making sure he actually reached his destination. When he disappeared into his room, Mal hesitated, and then engaged the outside locks before sitting against the wall opposite Simon's dorm.

 

It was midnight when the screaming began.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you will be disappointed at the time jump, but it's been the plan from the get go, so I'm going to stick with it;)

 

Simon straightened his tie and smoothed down the lapels of the formal suit he'd rented for the occasion. When he'd lived on Osiris, he'd had four such suits hanging in his closet, but his wardrobe had thinned considerably over the years. There was just the one worn suit left from when he'd first come to _Serenit_ y, pushed to the corner to make way for more practical cable sweaters and t-shirts and cargos, most of them patched in one spot or the other. He'd always preferred his suture skills to be used on clothes and not actual flesh.

 

He accidentally snagged his finger on the pin securing his boutineer and he hissed before sticking it in his mouth and sucking at the spot. The action drew his attention to the mirror and he grimaced at his reflection. His face had never completely recovered from the gauntness caused by rapid weight loss, but he'd regained almost all of his muscle mass through hard work and Kaylee's insistent 'encouragement.'

 

The last year had been a long one. The first few months were still a bit hazy, mainly filled with skin crawls, blinding headaches and spells of inexplicable violent rage. Mal had kept him locked in his dorm most of the time, although he'd had two relapses when he'd somehow managed to slip out and break his way into the drug stores sealed in the spare shuttle. He could still feel the crack of Mal's fist on his jaw when he'd put him down.

 

He winced at the memory of the disappointment on Kaylee's face. Even amid the static of those early days, that look burned clear.

 

After the physical reactions had begun fading away, the hallucinations had set in, and Kaylee had only just managed to convince him to come out of the airlock instead of flushing himself from the ship. He wasn't sure he'd ever live down the embarrassment of that moment, especially because there had been a time he'd been sure it would be Jayne that would go out that way.

 

He'd slowly crawled his way to the surface, finally reaching the point he could breath without an insistent craving flaming through his veins. He would never be completely free, he knew that, but he could be trusted in the infirmary again without Kaylee shadowing his every move. She still joined him most days, but now, instead of keeping an eagle eye on his every movement, they talked.

 

First it was mostly about River and Jayne; in lieu of real professionals, they served as each other's grief counselors. He found it surprisingly easy, after all these years, to move past his social conditioning and open up to her, although it might have had something to do with the fact she'd seen him vomiting and screaming and trying to tear his skin off. It seemed a bit ridiculous to try to maintain any facades after that. The last couple of months, it was a rare sight for the crew to find one of them without the other.

 

Eventually, other things had drifted into their talks, and these days, all sorts of odds and ends coexisted seamlessly alongside the memories of their dead family members. Still, though, there were nights he would hear her crying from her new room in the dorms and he would slip down the hall to hold her as she wept.

 

Simon caught sight of the clock and he jumped. All his woolgathering had almost made him late, and this event was too important for that. He ran a final hand through his hair and rushed from the room, only to stop halfway down the corridor and hurry back to the dorm. He swept a jewelry box from his bureau, pausing to check the contents before snapping it shut and shoving it in his pocket. She'd kill him if he forgot it.

 

He finally made it out of the ship, giving nods and smiles to the disparate gathering of guests as he strode up the aisle. Badger, Radiant Cobb, Fanty (but not Mingo), Zoe's aunt and uncle...it surprised him the variety of people who had turned up on Haven's ground. When he reached the bower, he took his place next to the other two men and joined them in looking expectantly down the aisle. After five minutes he started to fidget, his hand predictably going to his ear, but he took comfort in the fact he wasn't nearly as nervous as the man next to him.

 

Eventually, a murmur ran through the small crowd as they parted further to let Zoe, Kaylee and Inara through. Inara was gorgeous as usual, and Zoe was breathtaking in her formfitting sheath. It was Kaylee, though, that Simon couldn't take his eyes from, her bright, fresh, soul originating beauty stealing all rational thought from his brain. She had a few extra lines around her eyes and mouth these days - the years stopped for no one - but his attraction to her remained unchanged.

 

They finally reached the men and took their positions opposite them. Simon couldn't stop from grinning at Kaylee, and she winked back at him and bounced on her toes before settling down.

 

Mal cleared his throat, looking as uncomfortable in the formal wear as Simon knew he felt. 'Alright, then. Since you women have been so kind as to _finally_ join us -' Zoe shot him an ugly look and his eyes widened before he resumed his usual devil may care attitude. ' - we can get on with our business here. There's a party after this I think some of us are lookin' forward to.' He smirked before continuing, the white streaks in his hair glinting in the sun.

 

'Okay, folks. I did my best to talk 'em out of it, but as usual, my crew never listens to me, so we are gathered on this occasion to witness the joinin' of Zoe Alleyne Washburne to Matthew Tiberius Cobb.'

 

Serendipitous fate had always ruled _Serenity's_ crew, of this Simon was thoroughly convinced. So many small things that forged the path to where they were. What if Mal had bought the zipper model instead of the firefly? What if he had listened to Zoe and not hired Wash? And what would have happened if Bestor hadn't lured Kaylee onto _Serenity_ with the promise of seeing the ship's engines? Would Simon have taken passage on the aging ship if it hadn't been Kaylee's smile he'd seen on Persephone's docks? And if not, how would his and River's lives have been different? Would they even have outrun the bounty on their heads without Mal's dogged and grudging adherence to his own code of honor? Somehow he doubted it.

 

And what if Mattie Cobb hadn't been between jobs when he'd met them on Sihnon, leaving him free to accept Mal's off handed offer of employment? He was Jayne's junior by less than a year and had followed in his violent brother's footsteps in going off world and hiring out as a gun hand. Simon wasn't sure who had been more surprised when he took the job, Mattie or Mal, but the event had carried unknown consequences, at least to most of the crew.

 

Inara had been the only person _not_ surprised at the romance that had developed between Zoe and Mattie. When they'd shown up for breakfast, Zoe dressed in Mattie's t-shirt and boxers, she'd just smiled in that smug way that drove Mal nuts and said she'd seen it coming for years, if only they could ever be long enough in the same place at the same time. In response Mal had muttered something about if he'd known, he wouldn't have offered the job, to which Inara had arched an eyebrow and murmured something back about spare beds and cold nights.

 

Mal had apologized quickly enough.

 

Simon dragged his mind back to the present day just in time to hand the ring to Mattie and watch as Zoe and he made their pledges. The vows had been altered in accordance to their personalities; there were no promises to obey anywhere in them, but they did swear to guard each other's backs.

 

The party was long and loud, and after an appropriate amount of time, Simon and Kaylee slipped away to the small _Serenity_ graveyard. While Kaylee said quiet, unheard things to Jayne, Simon placed a flower on River's marker.

 

'I miss you, _mei mei_ , but I'm doing better; you don't have to worry about me anymore. Zoe got married today, but I'm sure you know that. There was a lot of dancing. You would have liked it. I bet we could have even gotten Jayne to dance some.'

 

He fell silent for a long time after that, giving Kaylee the minutes she needed. She had always been more of a talker than him. Finally, she kissed her fingers and placed them on Jayne's capture.

 

'Bye, _bao bei_. Love ya. Gotta go now, but Cap'n promises we'll stop back by in a couple months.'

 

_Don't be a boob, Simon_ . His sister's voice was insistent in his head.

 

He glanced at her capture. 'Don't worry, River. I won't.'

 

Kaylee had started toward the lights of the reception, but at the sound of his voice she turned back, walking the few steps to his side.

 

'Simon? You okay?'

 

He took a deep breath and screwed his courage to the sticking place. Holding out his arm, he formally asked, 'Kaywinnet Frye Cobb, would you do me the very great honor of walking out with me?'

 

A slow smile spread across her face before she slid her arm through his.

 

'Why, Simon Marcus Tam, I thought you'd never ask.'


End file.
